literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
