i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
