How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
