; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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