I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
