I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
