who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize