I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
