Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
