He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
