Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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