I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
