I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
