its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
