I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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