I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
