my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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