If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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