his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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