My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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