i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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