U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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