he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
