my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
