Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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