her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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