Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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