I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
