I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
