My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
