If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
