You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
