you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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