Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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