i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
