ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
