You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
