The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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