I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
