I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
