is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
