Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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