We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize