My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize