My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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