i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
