farters have to be the big spoon...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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