We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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