captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
