I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
