my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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