My first STD was from a foam party
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
