My friends, they love my intelligence
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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