So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
