I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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