you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
