Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
