my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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