My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
