i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
