I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize