you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
