I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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