So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
