found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
