He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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