I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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