Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
